you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
