So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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