she was so not down for the gang bang
I met the friendliest cop last night
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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