And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
