what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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