she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
