Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
