the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize