There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
