So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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