your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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