I bet he comes in French.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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