I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
All the doctor said was why
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
