I look better un-naked...
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Randomize
