Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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