i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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