I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
