My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
