I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
