We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
