Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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