we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
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