he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
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