Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
