I can feel you judging me through the phone.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
