how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
