Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
