Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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