After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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