he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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