Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
