How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize