On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
