Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
it's like iHOP with fire
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
