I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
