I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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