Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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