My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
