I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
