Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
