I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
She's like a pop up book from hell.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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