1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
