all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
