i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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