I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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