he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
