hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
