you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
