Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I could fuck to npr.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
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