I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
