this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
