someone threw a dead crab at me
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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