I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
