I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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