he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
