I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
