I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
