porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
