So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
